Sunday, May 26, 2002

19:40: I'm slowly trying to come to grips with the distance, the silence... and I'm holding on to the idea that at some point I'll get to sidle up next to K---- and cuddle for hours.

I know you all (all three of you who read this, I guess) are probably getting sick of hearing about this nonsense. Trust me, I'm somewhat sick of feeling like a schoolboy with an impossible crush on the 8th grade reading teacher (Mr. Eineder, oh the memories of him playing basketball after school!). But I honestly haven't felt like this about someone in so long I've lost practice... for a while there I thought I'd learned how to handle feeling weighted down by a truckload of emotional drywall, but obviously it's not something you prepare for too well.

Went to the Dragon Boat races with Mom and The Aunts (MTA), and took them to Middleburg afterwards. I still love that place, even though it's so sheeshy and Andrew-McCarthy-and-Rob-Lowe-go-foxhunting-ish.

10:53: Now, I don't keep pr0n on my computer. On the one hand, it takes up valuable MP3 space. And on the other (I wish I had a third hand), it often has the potential to come up at embarrassing moments.

So leave it up to my mom, who's fairly computer illiterate, to find the one .zip file on my hard disk with pictures of guys doing things they usually do in private, and to managed to unzip it, find the content, and view it--all by accident while trying to find the email client. *sigh*. I guess things never change--she still manages to find whatever naughty things may be lying around, no matter how cleverly cached.

Wednesday, May 22, 2002

23:47: I hate feeling emotinally vulnerable.

Tuesday, May 21, 2002

10:17: I did get the pair of lips I hungered for the next day--'twas a happy surprise. But K---- went back home today... the day I was procrastinating on dealing with has come. He probably won't be back for a few months, and although it's likely that I might go visit him or that he might come up, somehow I'm not banking a whole lot of hope on that making it work. It also kinda sucked that I couldn't spend his last night in town with him--mom and two aunts are visiting from Colombia, and while I wouldn't have a problem giving my relatives a somewhat concrete manifestation of the whole "I'm gay thing" (to them merely a theoretical construct to date), he wasn't too keen on it...
It tends to suck the big one that geography, as usual, isn't making life easier. Then again, I suppose that David and Mark seem to be making a 6 1/2 hour distance not seem like such a problem... double that time, and it'll put me in Florida.
So, now I must be content with my classes being over (this semester was a PITA! judging by my volume of postings, it seems I didn't have a whole lot of time... I don't know, I didn't have enough time to notice if I didn't have time...), and with the fact that Mom and the Auntly Onslaught have, in 48 hours, rearranged my closets, reorganized my kitchen, and put doilies, stuffed animals, and megacephalic porcelain figurines on my living room tables. The do make breakfast every morning, though...

Tuesday, May 07, 2002

22:00: I had not hungered for a specific pair of lips in too long to count. How much of it is my body's hunger, and how much of it is my attachment-fearing heart? And what does it say about me when I want to be calling the head that those lips are attached to every day? Ah, the eternal toeing of the line between caring and clingy... if I hadn't seen Seinfeld as many times as I did, I'd probably be less neurotic about this.