Skip to Navigation

Hawaii: Goofy, mixed-up people

I've never found a shortage of people willing to remind me about the evils of ethnocentrism and the need to be very, very careful when discussing issues of ethnicity and race and culture, lest one possibly offend someone. Our visit to the Bishop museum in Honolulu showed me that 1) either those people never made it to Hawaii to spread their gospel or 2) they made it over and pissed someone off big time.

The Bishop Museum houses an impressive collection of artifacts describing the cultural and political history of the Hawaiian archipelago. It also plays host to a museum of Polynesian culture, and, as its third personality, also plays the role of general-purpose children's exploratorium.

The Bishop Museum

The Hawaiiana and Polynesiana (Polyanna?) collections were informative in the best tourist-museum style. However, it was the children's exploratorium section that held the most delightful of their exhibits:

Illegal Aliens in Your Suitcase!

Did you know that thousands of illegal aliens travel across the Pacific in assorted carry-on weekenders and garment bags? How many do you think really belong in Hawaii?

It's true! Thousands upon thousands of wetback lizards and gabacho kudzu spores are flooding the Hawaiian islands, bringing along the political instability, crime, and assorted plagues to which they play host in their own, godless lands! Invading Bananas from Central America, Black Market Rice from Southeast Asia, and Illiterate Snakes from the Phillippines!
These are Dangerous Aliens! They're coming along, stealing jobs from hard-working Hawaiian farmers and depressing the standard of living throughout the land! We must contain them!

They lengthen the welfare lines! They are immoral and destructive! They show no respect for time-honored traditions Hawaiian families have cultivated for centuries! There is even evidence to suggest that their presence also leads to despicable social plights like homosexual tour groups and Starbucks!

They hold no respect for the Things That Make These Islands Great! They are truly destroying The Way We Live! They don't bother to learn the language or adopt local customs! Under the guise of decorative flowers, aromatic ornamental plants and other salad ingredients, they blend and toss cultural norms together with complete disregard and insensitivity for Our Traditions! Invading Illegal Aliens represent a source of cultural confusion and unprecedented intermingling!

Do your part to hald this flood of Illegal Aliens: fill out the Agricultural Declarations every time you fly into the islands; don't bring in any of the heathenous, impure foods available in the mainland; and, most importantly, report any suspicious vegetable or plant activity to your Neighborhood Coordinating Committee for Biological Integrity!

Only YOU can put a halt to this invasion!


Syndicate content