How does one separate frivolity from comfort? How is the distinction drawn between pride and narcissism? These are probably the words of a bitter and lonely fool sitting like a jew in a gay Mecca--out of place in his own region. This is the place where all poles meet, where five corners and a gas pump become the road into paradise. Two peaks sit in the background, a simple detail in the endless quest for visual and sensual pleasure that these streets inspire. The sun can't fade fast enough on these tanned shoulders, on these muscled shoulders, on these sexual shoulders. It's all sexual. It's all pleasure. It's an orgasm that doesn't seem to fizzle into post-coital bliss--all is kept taut, pulsating, thrusting; hips don't stop pumping, heads are in a constant blood-engorged frenzy. There is intense sensation that never stops, never reaches the point where there is satisfaction. The brains and heads are hard to find because they're all busy penetrating, rubbing against something, never stopping the wandering and wondering...
"when was your first experience? how many have you been with? how often do you? what's your type? so, get laid last night?"
i'm looking for love not just a cock to rub and nipples to tweak
"oh, so you're not comfortable with sex?"
i'm very comfortable with sex--so much, in fact, that i'd rather it be memorable than another name, a bad thought, a log in my daybook.
"you're trying to go for that relationship? but how many happy monogamous couples do you know?"
let me have my dreams, DAMN YOU!
"go ahead, hook-up. give me a call and let me know."
you know what I think of sex in general--you know better don't do this to me...
These are the words of a bitter fag with too much time and not enough attitude. I've seen too much attitude over the last week to really enjoy it. Everyone seems to have attitude--the waiter at the diner, the barrista at the café, the ticket taker at the theater... the one person that I am surprised hasn't show me attitude is the owner of the sex toy shop. Fancy that.
It's great that all these people feel comfortable with themselves... or do they really? Here too I have seen a blatant disregard for those not in the In crowd--those not hip enough, not cool enough, not buff enough, not trollop enough.
"Honey, you have internalized issues to work out."
DON'T YOU HONEY ME, TOOTS... I have a personality. I don't like being only what everyone else is, even if being like everyone else means not being like everyone else. Besides, who madeYou the spokesperson for the Community? I don't see any of your statements being more embracing and tolerant!
I am a non-pierced, non-tattooed, non-bodybuilder, non-mod, non-leather, non-bearlike, non-skinhead, non-gogo, non-guppie, non-biker, non-cowboy no-body at the Castro and I'm starting to fucking feel PROUD of it. Is there room for me in this city's gay life?
One of these days, if it hasn't happened already, someone will come out publicly and say "Hey!, We're all free to be you and me right? Well, then, don't judge me for not being like you. I am me; you be you. LET ME BE WITHOUT GETTING YOUR FUCKING ELEMENTARY SCHOOL ATTITUDE!
It probably isn't that bad. It probably isn't that judgmental a street. But feeling different in a place where difference is supposedly the norm is disconcerting. Where did that clean-cut, mainstream gay man of every movie review go (you know, the one that they DIDN'T show, the "non-stereotypical representation")? Is everyone trying to live and portray the stereotype?
© 1996 by Juan Felipe Rincón
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